Testimony
"I was violent and crazy and no one wanted to be around me when I was using and drinking."
My name is "Jack R." I'm 48 years old. Thirty-six of those years have been spent in drug and alcohol addiction, and all the desperation, darkness, and insanity that characterize that lifestyle choice. And it is a choice. I blame no one or no circumstance for the life I've lived. I take full responsibility. God, in His relentless pursuit of my soul has thrown into it more than a healthy dose of His grace, or I would not be standing here tonight.
As mind numbing as it is to understand I believe it is God's plan from the beginning of time that each specific one of us here tonight have been brought together at this very moment out of eternity to hear and see Him glorified. Of all the billions of people's lives on this planet ours have been chosen for this moment. Be assured coincidence is a lie. Be equally assured I'm not here to represent myself or this graduating class or this Mission. I'm here to represent the one and only awesome God that transforms lives.
I was born in Peoria, Illinois, just south of Chicago. We move to San Juan, California when I was two. After about five years my dad left my pregnant mom with three young children to raise. With no family in California we soon moved back to Illinois. She got work as a secretary at Caterpillar Tractor Co. and did a pretty good job raising four kids alone, but eventually she got remarried.
My step-dad was an alcoholic and short tempered. He chose me from among my siblings to take out his frustrations on. I was verbally abused and physically beaten with belts, feet, and closed fists regularly. I naturally became a very rebellious, angry, violent kid, and was always in trouble at home, in school, and eventually with the law.
I got high and drunk for the first time when I was twelve years old, and I never looked back.
Getting high was never about fun for me; it was an escape. I drank and drugged to oblivion. I was a blackout drunk from the beginning and rarely remembered the things I did or said. I was violent and crazy and no one wanted to be around me when I was using and drinking. By the time I was sixteen I was a full-blown alcoholic and quickly became a more and more frequent IV drug user. I got kicked out of the house for pulling a knife on my step-dad; he'd beat me down for the last time.
I bummed around and stayed with friends for a year or so and was using anything I could to stay high and drunk. At 17 I was arrested for burglary and sentenced to 90 days in jail and 48 months probation. When I got out I violated probation and split to Houston, Texas with a friend. I had no intention of going back to Illinois via Joliet.
In Houston my drug use was out of control and I didn't care how I got the money to support my habits. Within four months of arriving in Texas I was on my way to the Department of Corrections with a 10 years sentence for two counts of armed robbery. I was 19 when I went to prison; I was 24 when I got out.
More angry and rebellious than ever but with almost 5 years clean I was determined to stay that way. In prison I had arranged for an out of state parole and got on a bus for Chicago the day I was released. With $200 dollars gate money I stayed drunk all the way back to Illinois.
After a few months back home I got a job, met a girl and got married. Teresa was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I put her through hell. Seven years and three kids later she left. I came home after yet another three-day crack binge – my new drug of choice – and the house was empty and so was I. Lost, alone, nowhere, no one, nothing.
God was never mentioned growing up and what I knew about Him would fit on the head of a pin. But for the first time in my life I cried out to Him. I just broke down and said, "God, I don't understand you or me. But if you're out there, help me." When I didn't see a burning bush appear instantly in front of me, I decided He wasn't hearing me. Unknown to me then I now believe that God began to answer that prayer right then. In His time and in His way.
It took about another 15 years of banging my head against the wall, drifting from state to state in and out of jails and rehabs, and relationships and jobs. I actually stayed clean for almost 2 years. After completing a Christian based program, I never really got plugged in or made much of an effort to actually apply God's word to my life, I faded away from church, prayer, the Bible and eventually started using again feeling even more worthless and guilty because I'd turned my back on God.
But as I said, the Holy Spirit is a relentless pursuer and He never let me go. It angered and frustrated me that God would not leave me alone. In 12 Step programs they say how getting sober then going back out will sure mess up your drinking. After having tasted the freedom I'd once had in Christ I could never use without conviction again. It seemed the deeper and darker my addiction got the more I felt God's presence in my life. I would scream at Him to, "STOP LOVING ME! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M NO GOOD, I'LL NEVER CHANGE!" Being the gentleman He is He would answer with patient silence for a while. But soon that still small voice would return, "Come to me, I love you."
I came to San Diego in December 2002 on the run from myself...again… still! I was convinced this geographical change would "work" though the previous half dozen had not! But I came with me and so did my addictions. By now they were legion, going way beyond drugs and alcohol. I was addicted to any and everything that would distract me from reality and looking at my life. Sex, money, work, TV, video games, I did everything to excess. Even certain emotions were addictive, if I would direct them outward, like anger, bitterness, resentment, and hatred. I was a turmoil junkie. I found a good job and tried to maintain for a while but soon my crack addiction consumed my life. I lived to work, I worked to make money, I made money to smoke crack, and I had no friends and no life. I didn't recognize who or what I'd become. I was an animal. I can't even mention here some of the things I did while pursuing or using. Finally I lost my job. Praise God!
I knew about the Mission through Horizon Park Chapel. I'd been dragging my butt there a couple Sundays a month, begging God to do something! I'd stay clean for a day or an hour and start all over again. Pastor Pete and Pastor Rob had suggested the Mission program months before, but I didn't want to lose my job, actually I didn't want to stop using. I believe their prayers had much to do with me finally finding my way here.
When I came to the doors of the San Diego Rescue Mission on November 11, 2005 I had no hope that I could really change. I knew God was the only answer but I doubted my ability to be real with Him. I'd played church before, I'd played programs before, I was an old pro. It only took meeting Mike Castaneda to discover the staff were older pros. They had seen me a thousand times.
I committed to God to at least make an effort, and pled with Him daily to crush my pride, to give me humility. I asked Him to teach me to listen more and talk less – I think He gave up on that one – I cried out for Him to change me or take me home. I did not want to endure one more day of addiction.
Slowly at first I realized God was answering my every prayer. His time, His way. I began to hunger for His Word again. I prayed constantly. I began to encourage new guys as they came in and sought encouragement and wisdom to those who'd come before them. I glimmer of hope was rising in me and I began to think...maybe...just maybe…
God has and continues to bless me beyond what words can express. He's given me a life I've never had – never imagined. The greatest blessings are internal and eternal and the condition of my heart.
Today I'm a member of Horizon Park Chapel and I work in children's ministry leading worship of A.W.A.N.A. I'm blessed to be a member of the praise team here at the San Diego Rescue Mission as well and lead worship on Fridays.
I belong to a great home fellowship and have strong friendships and accountability. God has recently blessed me with a job and I'm looking forward to the opportunities for ministry He will open there. I pray that God will use me as a powerful tool in His hands wherever He takes me.
I'm not all I could be but I know God will be faithful to complete the work He's begun I me. He promises us, "If any man be in Christ he is a new creation, the old is gone and the new has come."
-"Stan"
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